And Then We Bumped Into a Mary Sue
by Cairi J
Summary: What a day... AVALANCHE has been subjected to an adventure swamped with terrible clichés! Ladies and Gentlemen, this is a depiction of everything you should never write. Read at your own peril.


_**Disclaimer:** Does "Cairi Jo" look even remotely like "Square Enix"? Didn't think so. In other words - Don't own Final Fantasy. (Dammit!)_

_Right, prepare yourself for something random and potentially terrifying. This is the result of seeing way too many dreadfully-written fanfic clichés. _

_You have been warned. This is what_ not _to write in fanfic._

* * *

One evening in Midgar, when it was awfully cold and a storm loomed ominously over the city (which suggests that something very **sinister** and **unusual** will happen soon); the AVALANCHE gang were walking happily across the streets in search of new adventures and horizons. They were also accompanied by a few of the cast of Final Fantasy Eight just to make it all a bit more interesting and also in order for Cloud to find out that he is somehow Squall's older brother because that makes the whole plot more peculiar and fascinating.

Anyways, Zack (who is now alive, by the way) was walking with Sephiroth (who had, by the way, stopped being evil three weeks ago for the sake of the plot) and they were happily chatting to each other.

"Wow," said Cloud, who had all of a sudden found a magic materia lying in the gutter. "I thought Yuffie had stolen all the materia in the city. What's the betting I can use this for some really powerful epic purpose like bringing Aeris back from the dead or something?"

And conveniently, Aeris suddenly came back from the dead so everyone was really, really happy.

As the plot suggested, the group would probably come across another strange occurrence soon so they kept their wits about them.

"Hey Zack," said Tifa, "Whose baby are you holding and looking nervously down at?"

"It's mine." replied the raven-haired ex-SOLDIER, shooting Tifa a scowl.

The whole group stared in shock at this shockingly shocking remark.

"And I'll tell you why," Zack continued, "it's because the writer thinks that because I was dead I got abducted by Jenova and impregnated, and now I've had a baby even though I'm a man therefore technically it would've been impossible for me to produce children but seeing as it makes the plot more interesting the writer has made me have this kid and I've named him after my old buddy Sephiroth, because… Yeah."

At first, everyone stared. Then stared some more. And then they just shrugged and kept on walking because this kind of thing is normal in badly-planned fanfiction. Which this is.

All of a sudden, a massive plot twist caused the whole group to jump back in horror. For all of a sudden, everyone from Final Fantasy Eight who was there before had opportunely disappeared. (This was for the sake of the plot, by the way.)

Anyway, everyone started walking again because that's what you do to move around places when you don't have a car.

…Yeah.

So then, as the ominous storm had suggested, something even _more_ scary was going to happen. The gang suddenly magically got transported to a dark, sinister-looking mansion. The suspense was killing everyone, and for some reason the sexual tension between Cloud and Tifa was heating up enough to roast marshmallows. But they didn't try anything seeing as this was someone else's house and that would be very rude indeed. (And also because it was necessary to create a bit more suspense).

It was now the perfect time to find out that this dark, sinister-looking mansion was actually the home of Sephiroth, who all of a sudden went extremely out of character and proclaimed his undying love for one of the characters (who shall remain nameless in order to generate even _more_ suspense!)

Unknown to the gang, there was actually even MORE more suspense and eerie plot twists to jeopardize their epic adventure. For at that moment, the doors of the living room swung open to reveal an unnatural glowing light, which later revealed the lithe form of an extraordinarily gorgeous, slim, beautiful, perfect young warrior-type woman with long flowing golden locks and a really lethal-looking sword. She smiled an abnormally beautiful alluring smile, and at that moment, every living being in the room that had even the slightest level of testosterone was reduced to gaping at her like a complete moron.

And all the girls just glared at her with a seemingly vicious intent to rip her pretty head off.

"My name is Aluryamelindaophelia." said the woman in an inevitably soft, beautiful, alluring voice. "I am here to either inform one of you that I am your long-lost sister/cousin/mother, or to cause one of you to fall madly in love with me and then have sex with me at some point during the story."

The gang stared at her in inexplicable confusion.

"So…" mumbled Cloud, "Aluryamelindaophelia… The writer thinks we all need to find out where you come from and what your life was like. Would you tell us?"

Suddenly, the woman's smile abruptly disappeared and she hung her head as if she were remembering something really, really awful. The rest of the gang prepared for a shocking tale that would probably make everyone feel very sorry for her. So here it was:

"Well," said Aluryamelindaophelia, "I am an escapee from Hojo's evil lab experiments. I also used to be a Turk for some time but I killed the President and I was going to be arrested but then I used my unnaturally good fighting skills to ward the police off and run away. I am the daughter of Rufus ShinRa, the sister of Dracula, the cousin of Harry Potter and the right-hand woman of someone equally famous (who I shall not mention in order to preserve a bit of mystery.) But what you _don't_ know is that I was abused, tortured and thrown out onto the streets where I lived my life alone. But you would never have guessed that _now_, seeing as I'm so flawless and perfect and gorgeous."

The gang stared. Again.

"Great." muttered Cloud. "Let's go, guys."

So they all went away, leaving Aluryamelindaophelia to glare after them in shock at the thought of anyone _possibly_ refusing her charms and _not _having sex with her at some point during the story.

Oh well.

Seeing as it was just about time to move rapidly along with the story, Vincent pointed out that there would soon be a fight so everyone should ready themselves with their weapons. All of a sudden, a multitude of enormous hairy monsters attacked the gang from all directions and a huge battle occurred.

And the gang wiped out all of the enormous hairy monsters within seconds, because that's what happens in badly-planned fanfiction. Which this is.

"Look out!" yelled Sephiroth (and since when did _he_ care?) as Yuffie was pinned down by another monster (which had obviously been missed out by the gang or had hidden in a cupboard or something.)

Yuffie was just about to have her head bitten off by the enormous hairy monster when someone behind it suddenly killed it and Yuffie was saved.

"My hero!" swooned Yuffie as she looked up at a mysterious young man clad in black leather with long dark hair and a really handsome face, who helped her to her feet and glared mysteriously at her.

"Whatever," he said.

It was quite clear that this mysteriously mysterious young man had a rather cold attitude, and was a troubled person who didn't talk much and had a really rubbish life. But seeing as this is the nature of such character impositions, he would turn all nice later on and fall in love with one of the girls. Or guys.

Vincent suddenly glared fiercely at the man as though they had some mysterious past connection that caused them to hate each other very much.

"Aah, Vincent Valentine." said the man in a deep voice which caused all the girls to swoon in pure ecstasy. "We meet again."

Vincent simply scowled at him. "Yes, we do… Boz."

Everyone stared in amusement at the mention of the young man's name, but then stopped staring in amusement because they soon realised that weird short names like Boz are normal in badly-planned fanfiction. Which this is.

The gang then realised that the young man also bore an uncanny resemblance to Vincent except without the red cloak and the red eyes. And his name also sounded like a rip-off of the name "Loz" (who then appeared angrily and punched Boz for stealing the sound of his name.)

Unfortunately the punch that Loz gave Boz was so powerful that Boz died.

"Well that's sorted." said Cloud, looking at Vincent (who was smiling for the first time in like, ever, which in turn caused all the girls to swoon in pure ecstasy over him instead). So they all walked away again, chatting about mysterious things which really held no significance to the storyline anyway because big mysterious points like that usually get forgotten about in badly-planned fanfiction. Which this is.

Seeing as Loz had sent Boz to his untimely death, the gang agreed to let Loz join in the adventure even though Loz is technically on the opposing side of AVALANCHE but seeing as we all like Loz we can make him turn good and fall in love with Tifa later on or something.

Anyway, Cloud suddenly stopped in his tracks because another colossal plot twist was just about to take place. Sure enough, Vincent abruptly transformed into Chaos even though technically that wouldn't have been necessary because he hadn't even had enough battle experience and he wasn't even angry or anything but he transformed into Chaos anyway because the writer said he should.

Just then, the writer paused the story (even though that counts for a really awful no-go in fanfiction but she did it anyway) and realised that the lack of punctuation was making the story look rushed and it would have been impossible for the reader to read this story out loud without getting out of breath. So, she, decided, to, include, more, commas. But, this, was, starting, to, look, slightly, weird, so, she, stopped and carried on without the commas because she was just so desperate to get all the important points in the story written down regardless of the way the story looked and how easy it was to read.

So with that done, the story was un-paused and Chaos began to attack everyone and they all died. But seeing as this is the nature of such events, the writer decided they hadn't died at all and they all came back to life because the writer said they should.

"That was really scary!" said Tifa, whose shirt had somehow ridden up during Chaos's attack and therefore this was a chance for Cloud to stare at her chest in wonder and then try and do naughty things to her because tactless smut like this is usually included early on in badly-planned fanfiction. Which this is.

Vincent then transformed back into his usual self and apologised to everyone for attacking them and then killing them but not really killing them. Everyone gave him a big hug and said it was all okay, and then they all walked off into the sunset, even though it was the middle of the night and they were inside a house so technically there would be no sunset but they did anyway because the writer said they did.

Now for a randomly-placed and notably trashy piece of dialogue!

"Hey Tifa" said Loz

"Yeh" said Tifa

"Wanna marry me" said Loz

"OK" said Tifa and then they kissed.

The writer then decided to end the story here because she thought this would be an ideal point to end the story. However there were many points left undiscovered, like who started dating who. So the writer decided this called for a small epilogue!

**EPILOGUE**

This is the epilogue of the story, which is the epilogue which has now been written on this section of the page a total of four times, seeing as careless repetition is what tends to happen in badly-planned fanfiction, which this is.

So anyways, just to tie up some loose ends and to provide a bit of comfort to the reader, the writer decided to tell the reader exactly what happened about five years after her epic story:

Tifa and Loz got married and had twenty kids and they're now living happily in Hawaii (which doesn't even exist in FF-7 but real places like this usually get brought up in badly-planned fanfiction, which this is.)

Cloud decided to re-live the glory days and go back to live with Zack and Sephiroth so they could all fight together again just like in the old days, in order to make the reader feel some happy nostalgia and also in order to help Zack bring up his son, Sephiroth Junior – who will probably grow up to become the exquisitely gorgeous invincible main character of another badly-planned fanfiction in the far future.

Vincent left to tour the world with Barret and Cid and get caught in some more epic adventures which would involve Vincent somehow falling in love with a mystical sorceress, Cid smoking so many cigarettes that Vincent and Barret would have to get the mystical sorceress to prevent him from dying of Cigarettitis or something (at which point she would save him, and this would make everyone very happy because main characters never die) and Vincent would be so thankful that he would kiss the mystical sorceress and they would make babies for about ten years and all their kids would have ordinary modern names that Vincent would never even _think_ of naming them – like "Joey" or "Corey" or "Kat" – Oh, and they'd all be born with magical powers, thus engendering yet another big tacky "child-of-the-main-character-gets-all-the-glory" fanfiction. Yay!

Yuffie decided that she was tired of all this naff fanfiction, and went to live peacefully next to a lake with Reno. This pair also had children but Reno made it quite clear that these children would live with them in peace and **_not_** get carried away into another epic adventure where they find out their parents' secrets, the mysteries of the world, the meaning of life, etc….

Aeris went to live with Tseng seeing as he had a rather big crush on her in the game so the writer saw it fit to have them get together and… Have more kids with magical powers!

Oh, and Red XIII went to live with… Uh… Tifa and Loz, because he had been forgotten about during the story and FF-7 fans would probably have noticed this so he has been added in quickly at the end just so the readers know he was actually in the story. But this sort of thing is normal in badly-planned fanfiction, which this is. So you readers will be expected to deal with it.

This is the Author's Note, which is ridiculously close to the rest of the story and therefore makes it seem like it's a _part _of the story. This… "story"… was, quite frankly, a piece of rubbish and should never be taken seriously. Please, please, PLEASE don't write anything like this! If you do, I'll cry!

So listen carefully, children. If you want to write a really good piece of fanfiction, pay close heed to all the awful clichés that are being written as we speak… and don't give into them! You never know when you will be subjected to a really, _really_ badly-planned fanfiction.

Which this is.


End file.
